The More Things Change…

For several days now my feed on the various socials I’m on has been flooded with grief for Nex Benedict, a non-binary Oklahoma teen. Their death looks to be the result of bullying which stirs up a lot of angst for the LGBTQ+ community. In fact, I’ve been surprised how many of my peers recount stories of either fearing the bathrooms or having bullying incidents in the bathrooms of their schools.

I mentioned in my post on memories of being bullied that I narrowly escaped my bully in the bathroom in 7th grade. I had so thoroughly pushed that memory down that when I started therapy and my therapist asked about bullying, I came up with one lone story that I could remember, the most innocuous one of the lot. And that one instance with someone I could no longer name was really all that came to mind then. Months later a conversation on the socials with a friend popped my 7th grade bully back into view. And even later it’s still a sketchy memory. Like I remember fragments of things that happened. The bathroom one is still most vivid. Our bathrooms in that school didn’t have doors. They had a door, a hallway and then another door. I’m not sure there was a physical door in either opening but they were never closed because you couldn’t see into the restroom because of the hallway. If there had been a closed door that I had to open I’m sure I would not have made it out. And I still don’t remember what he said or anything else, just my terror as I made for the open door.

Anecdotally it sounds like I’m actually the odd one out in that I did see some justice with the school taking action. And this goes back to my fragmented memory. I don’t know if I said anything to anyone before hand or not. I suspect not. But when he kicked me in the hallway and one of my teachers saw him do it, he was taken to the principal’s office. And I sat there beside him freaked out about the entire experience, leg throbbing with someone bigger than me who terrified me in the next seat. I have no memory of what was said, what punishment exactly he got. All I know was the terror ended finally.

Well sort of… I was so wary of bathrooms after that I don’t recall ever using the main bathrooms in high school. Our building had a library wing with newer relatively unused bathrooms. If I had to go the bathroom at school I went there no matter how far out of my way it was. So I guess it’s debatable if the terror ended…

I digress… hearing about Nex and their bullying stirred up a lot for many of us I gather. And the “coincidence” of it being in Oklahoma like Matthew Shepard so many years ago is especially jarring. There has been progress in some ways over the years but young queer people are still not safe. I mean, I wonder if any of us of any age are as safe as we’d like to be. But imagine having to go to school every day and not feeling safe there? My heart aches…

When I was coming out last year a well meaning friend asked if now was the right time or words to that effect. I admit, there probably were better years in some respects because the pendulum is starting to swing hard as conservatives try their damnedest to erase the progress of the past decades. But if I waited for absolute safety I doubt I would live to come out.

What I still don’t understand and probably never will is the hatred for things we don’t understand? I saw a Trans political post on Facebook earlier today, and it had drawn in the usual thugs and one of them complained bitterly about needing to make space for “2% of the population.” I will be the first to admit I don’t entirely understand what it means to be Trans. I also don’t understand being non-binary. I mean, I understand the concepts but in my soul understand how it feels? No. But I do understand how it feels to be different than the majority of people which is my common ground. But even without the common ground, how hard is it to just let people be happy in their own skin if they are not directly harming others. Why are we sitting by while yet more generations are taught to bully people they don’t understand?

Sigh…