The Unexamined Life: Coming Out, Paul Monette, and Neurodivergence

In 2023 when I was in the process of coming out, I read a pile of books including Paul Monette’s Becoming A Man: Half A Life Story. Before reading it, I knew the author had died of AIDS many years ago but the book sample caught my attention. His writing among many memoirs and psychological books resonated. It’s taken me almost two years to watch the documentary about him. Even though I only knew him from his writing the finality of seeing the conclusion to his life story held me at bay.

The unexpected haunting part watching his final days was the realization that both his book and the documentary were out there in my 20’s. I was in college when his book came out; in grad school when the documentary was released. It’s not really a matter of “gosh I wish I had known…” I wasn’t looking for it. At that age I didn’t have the desire to ask those questions or delve deeper. That’s the weird thing when I look back.

I have always been the person who goes into super research mode when making decisions. Spontaneous? Ha! Buying an appliance? Let’s read 300 reviews and watch 15 YouTube videos. Coming out at 51, first let’s read a dozen books and more. That’s classic me. In college I researched and agonized each time I changed majors, but I didn’t do that about my own queerness and coming out until 2023.

I’ve said before, I strongly think I’ve masked neurodivergence most of my life. There was no external pressure like dirty laundry or a need to keep food cold. There was this little compartmentalized part of me that lacking motivation from elsewhere went unexamined.

That’s one thing that often feels so different when I read or hear other people’s coming out stories. There was no agonizing, bargaining, wishing to be different. It was unexamined until I had a lot of alone time.

This was my journey last night along with a lot of tears for the death of someone I never knew. Watched the documentary on YouTube. I don’t think it’s available otherwise. Like so many other LGBTQ stories from that time, it deserves to be heard by those too young to remember.