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Thoughts on Neurodivergence

I’ll be the first to admit that I probably have some degree of hypochondria. I think a lot of us do. I remember one of Mom’s friends who was in medicine who said that as a student every medical issue she read she briefly entertained the thought she had it.

Still a few years ago when I stumbled upon videos on neurodivergence and people who were adult diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum, their stories resonated with me. Every online test I’ve taken suggested I have signs of being on the spectrum. And for awhile, I wondered if that was connected to my coming out late. In particular I wondered if it explained my ability to insulate myself from those feelings for so long.

So much of the experience sounded familiar to me. And honestly in any respect of the word, I have always felt weird. There were periods of my life I relished being different and periods of my life where it felt isolating. I do think that was part of the reason I didn’t know myself in my teens and twenties when a lot of people are typically confronting that sort of thing. At that point I felt so different to my peers that narrowing down what was different to “just” sexuality would have been a massive leap.

At the end of the day, if someone offered me a free professional test to see if I was neurodivergent, I’d be curious enough to take them up on it. But after a lot of reading on the subject it feels less likely to me. If there’s a spectrum from neurotypical to neurodivergent, I may be pretty far in the direction of neurodivergent but I believe ultimately in the neurotypical area. Just different enough to see myself in some aspects of their world but not enough to say “yes that’s me.” There were multiple key behaviors missing for me like stimming for example.

In the end, I think most of the tests i took are picking up on being socially awkward and having high social anxiety more than anything. I mean, I’m not a professional. I could be misinterpreting it but that’s what I walked away with after wondering for a few years if that was me.

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